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King of Bling
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Discussion Starter #1
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Okay, I'll go first..


"I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day.

Apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69"...





All jokes are welcome and there isn't any Politically Correctness restrictions... Anything goes, and remember guys, its only a joke...( as long as it doesn't fall within racial or violence incitement).

Lets see what you're made of Peeps. :)


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King of Bling
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Discussion Starter #5
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Is that your best pub jokes ?... F**k me you're a boring bunch.. :)

Okay, here another one..


My mate thought his new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him...



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Octopus

Bloke walked into a quiet country pub accompanied by his pet octopus. They both sat at the bar having a few pints when one of the locals asked about the octopus as it was slithering up and down the chair leg.

The owner said it was a very famous and musically talented octopus!!

The barman listening to all this said he had a banjo in the car if the beast fancied his chances he'd give him a fiver if he could get a tune out of it!!

Giving it to the octopus, within 5 minutes it was strumming the banjo like a true professional and was duly paid the fiver.

Obviously the noise combined with the spectacle of having an octopus drinking beer attracted attention from others at the bar.

Next up it was a violin for a tenner!!

After opening the case the octopus looked at if for a while before finishing his pint and tucking the violin under his chin and playing it like Yehudi Menuhin................

By this time quite a crowd had gathered around the stranger with the talented musical octopus.

Over the next hour or so the octopus drank a few more beers and played a harmonica, guitar, bassoon, harp and a trumpet all belonging to folk at the bar and indeed made quite a few quid.

A 'canny' scots bloke was sat at the other end of the bar watching what was happening and saw his chance to make an easy fifty quid.

Slipping out to his car he came walking back into the bar with a set of bagpipes under his arm, he challenged the owner of the octopus to a fifty pond bet that (even though highly skilled) he couldn't get a tune from a set of bagpipes!!

The bet was accepted and the octopus began familiarizing himself with this new instrument.

Ten minutes past by and there was nothing.

Fifteen minutes past by, at which time the octopus which was full of beer had now fallen off its chair and was wresting under the table with the bagpipes, but still no sound!!

The scotsman by this time saw the octopus was clearly struggling and asked the owner for the fifty quid................as 'a bet is a bet'!!

The owner calmly looked over to the scotsman and replied ......

"Don't worry, just give him another couple of minutes because as soon as he finds he cant fuck it.............he'll play it!!!
 

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Long, but good one Ade.....
 

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her ...cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.
 

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Freudian Slip

A man walks into his office and comes across a good mate where he proceeds to tell an embarrassing story.

" I had the worst Freudian slip today Steve, I have that business trip coming up and when I went to the travel department, that amazing blond with the perfect breasts was at her desk wearing a low cut blouse. What I meant to say was 'I need two tickets to Pittsburgh', but I actually said, was ' I need two pickets to titsburg!' I was so embarrassed that I just walked out of the office. "

"That's nothing" says Steve, "I was sitting at the breakfast table with my wife this morning, and what I meant to say was 'could you please pass the jam?' but what I actually said was ' I hate you, you fat bitch, why don't you pack your fucking bags and leave?!'"
 

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A guy goes into a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman waving at him to say hello. He's rather taken aback as he can't pick where she's from so he says "Do you know me?" ....and she replies " I think you're the father of one of my kids" His mind travels back to the only time he was ever unfaithful to his wife and he says "My god are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid across the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your girlfriend whipped my butt with celery and stuck a carrot up my ass" She looks calmly into his eyes and says........."No, I'm your son's teacher"
 

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....and the one I laminated and put up in the men's toilet of the local church in the highlands of PNG.......Once upon a time a man asks a beautiful woman to marry him and she said "No" ....and the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and fucked skinny bit titted birds and hunted and raced cars and went to nudie bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and ate pussy and assfucked cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.....The End
 

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A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.”
 

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An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."
 

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An English teacher asks her class to come up with words with three syllables,
young Johny throws up his hand and blurts out " Mas, tur,bate miss",
The teacher rather embarrassed says "that's quite a mouthful Johny " to which Johny replies
"No Miss, youre thinking of headjob".
 

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Joke ,about OMO and FAB,are Australian washing powder brands.

Well here in oz the ladies who sometimes get lonely put a bucket of OMO in there front window .( ON MY OWN),Sadly when the husbands return they put a bucket of FAB in there window.(FUCKING ARSEHOLES BACK). You can draw this out anyway you wish.

cheers eddy
 

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Why is it called the Wonder Bra ? Because when she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went

Why don't women blink during foreplay ? Because they don't have time

What do you call a woman who can't make sandwiches ?...............................single

People that say marriage is an equal partnership are talking bollocks..
I gave up my mates, my motorbike, alcohol, gambling....all she gave up was sex
 
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