How often do you check the air pressure in your tires?
[a] before every ride.
[b] every 1000 miles.
[c] once a year.
You've just overcooked a corner and a crash is inevitable. Your instinct is to
[a] lay the bike down and slide behind it.
[b] try to save it.
[c] look for a llama ranch.
You change your motorcycle's engine oil
[a] every 1500 miles.
[b] every 3000 miles.
[c] every once in a while. Instead you just keep adding oil whenever that little red light comes on.
A proper motorcycle to attach a sidecar to is
[a] a WWII vintage Indian.
[b] a Honda Goldwing.
[c] a Yamaha FJ1200.
How often do you adjust your chain?
[a] Whenever the slack exceeds the manufacturer's limits.
[b] Whenever you can remember.
[c] Huh? Metal chains _can't_ stretch, can they?
Your license plate frame says,
[a] "Cognito ergo zoom!"
[b] "Live to flame, flame to live"
[c] "Caution, rider may bail"
When a friend says that his float bowls are plugged, do you...
[a] Offer to help him clean his carbs.
[b] Ask how much the shop is going to charge him to clean his carbs.
[c] Give him the name of your physician.
When you're following a faster rider on a faster bike than you, do you:
[a] Continue to ride safely at your most comfortable speed
[b] Ride faster to keep up
[c] Ignore your passenger's screams of terror and ride faster to keep up
What's the best way to make yourself a better rider?
[a] Practice, practice, practice
[b] Sign up for track time
[c] Bolt on Kerkers and a new Stage III Jet Kit
[d] Drive down to the bike shop, pick up Bikes 'n' Babes Calendar '93, then ... visualize
Where was the last place you or a member of your riding group was stopped by police for speeding?
[a] the interstate
[b] the state park
[c] the supermarket parking lot
How soon after you bought your bike did you find its rev limit?
[a] 3000 miles
[b] 1500 miles
[c] Down the street from the dealer, as he waved goodbye to you.
How soon after you bought your bike did you find out which parts scraped first in a turn?
[a] 3000 miles
[b] 1500 miles
[c] Down the street from the dealer, as he yelled at you for tagging the rev limiter and careening off a parked minivan across the street
When hanging an impromptu wheelie after turning down a side street and noticing a police officer watching you from 100 yards away, do you:
[a] Pull over immediately and wait for the officer to administer the ticket.
[b] Stop the wheelie, keep going like nothing happened, and hope the officer is in a good mood when he catches you.
[c] Wave with the front wheel still dangling in the air, take off down the street and hide in your ex-girlfriends house while the officer flies by looking for you.
Your friend has just finished wiping down his late-70's Goldwing with ArmorAll - including the seat. Do you:
[a] Warn him that nothing short of Velcro will keep him on that seat, and suggest he clean off the stuff with ArmorAll Cleaner;
[b] Keep you mouth shut and wait to see what happens;
[c] [b], and then [a]
After their first ride on a motorcycle with you, your friend
[a] thanks you and compliments your skills.
[b] looks like a stunned rabbit.
[c] files a civil complaint.
[d] eats your cat.
On a ride, you go out of your way to find
[a] scenic vistas.
[b] twisty roads.
[c] somebody to race at a stop light.
You've just arrived at a campsite for the night. The first thing you do is:
[a] set up your tent.
[b] pull out a beer.
[c] pick up your bike.
Rule #1 is "Never sell a Ducati". Rule #2 is
[a] "see rule #1"
[b] ... never sell a what?
[c] ... why not?
When confronted with a barrier across a small bridge do you:
[a] turn around
[b] blow past the barriers and cuss at the idiots who put the signs up
[c] wait until they take the barriers down (days/months pass....)
Have you ever lead the local police on a chase past the local biker hangout
[a] by mistake?
[b] just because you forgot to get your license?
[c] just to show off to your buddies?
You wouldn't consider of starting a ride without your
[c] roll of duct tape.
Safety wiring is
[a] a big minus when looking over a used motorcycle.
[b] a must.
[c] second only to duct tape.
When going along a bridge, and you suddenly come across a slippery metal grated section, do you;
[a] start praying the rosary.
[b] yell "OH HOLY LAMAS!" and hope that you don't fall.
[c] seize the opportunity to test your "wet riding" skills, and open it up!
When you subscribe to a motorcycle mailing list, is your userid:
The first thing you do after a ride is
[a] wash your bike.
[b] grab a beer from the fridge.
[c] use your one allowed phone call to call Mom.
What do you think about duct tape?
[a] I don't think about it any more than I have too.
[b] My bike would fall apart without it!
[c] I couldn't be without the quacking sounds coming from my bike's stereo!
Do you think of curbs as:
[a] A nice place to brace your rear tire when street parking.
[b] A nice little jump to the street while running sidewalks.
[c] A berm for street racing.
Packing for a long ride means
[a] carefully distributing the heavy items to the lower parts of your color-matched Fischer-Price hard luggage.
[b] Tossing a few things in a tank bag or tail pack.
[c] Checking to make sure the comb doesn't fall out of your back pocket.
The first piece of riding gear you purchased was:
[a] a helmet
[b] a two (or more) color leather jacket
[c] sun glasses
Your average group ride finishes up at
[a] someone's house for a BBQ.
[b] a pub.
[c] an emergency room.
[d] the precinct station.
Your winter storage regimen consists of
[a] removing the battery, placing a small amount of oil in the cylinders, topping up the gas, and blocking up the wheels.
[b] covering it with a tarp.
[c] convincing your roommate that it'd look _great_ in the living room.
Before starting to ride do you:
[a] check to make sure all lights, cables and hydraulics are in good working order.
[b] make sure your radar detector is turned on
[c] rev the engine up to 6k from a cold start to shorten warm-up time.
Tire warm-up involves:
[a] 15 miles or 20 minutes of gentle riding.
[b] a series of swervies from the driveway.
[c] strictly a function of lean angle
When starting off on a ride, your first actions when getting onto a street are:
[a] carefully look both ways, monitoring the degree of engine warm-up and road surface conditions.
[b] immediately pull a series of tight swervies to warm up your tires more quickly.
[c] pop a wheelie to the first intersection.
When installing a new muffler did you:
[a] stick with manufacturers original equipment.
[b] install a SuperTrapp so you can tune it.
[c] install a "track only" model and then tell police you just blew a baffle and mean to replace it as soon as you get home.
A fairing screw falls out 50 miles from the nearest town. You
[a] pull a spare out of your tank bag.
[b] find some bailing wire just off the shoulder and tie the fairing back on.
[c] whip out your ever present roll of duct tape.
You are sitting in a hot tub, draining the life out of a beer, your friends decide to go for a quick ride, you
[a] stay where you are. hell, you have had half a beer!
[b] dump the remaining beer and throw on your leathers.
[c] don your flip-flops, shorts, tanktop and sunglasses, crush the can against your forehead, and go.
[d] say "Wait for me!", and go riding in the nude.
When on a long motorcycle trip, you take pictures of
[a] the scenery
[b] the road signs
[c] your motorcycle
Your helmet falls off your bike while you are pumping gas. You
[a] ride home carefully and send the helmet to the manufacturer for inspection.
[b] inspect the helmet yourself and decide that it's ok.
[c] hope that the new chip matches the one on the other side.
You stop at a convenience store in the middle of a long ride. You buy
[a] a banana and a few high-energy bars.
[b] a 60 oz. soft drink.
[c] a case of beer and a roll of duct tape.
Someone suggests that a 1000 question squid test be compiled. You
[a] run and hide.
[b] volunteer a "friend".
[c] shout to the net, "I'll do it!"
Squid Purity Test
Original Text Copyright (C) 1993 Jeff Earls